Author: Peggy Oliveira, MSW

There are so many ways that childhood trauma survivors take on responsibility for what happened to them. Over the years, I’ve heard countless variations of the same heartbreaking belief: “It was my fault.” And one of the most common sources of this belief? Grooming.

If you’ve ever felt responsible for what someone else did to you, please know that it’s not your fault. There is nothing about you or anything you did that caused someone to abuse you. The shame and blame you might carry were taught to you by the person who harmed you and that was never yours to carry.

“But I didn’t say no…”

One of the most painful things I hear from survivors is the belief that they participated in the abuse. That belief is sometimes rooted in what they were told being made to feel “special,” “mature for their age,” or “not like other kids.” In other cases, the perpetrator presented a choice between two terrible options, and the child picked one. Or perhaps they received something (attention, gifts, or approval) and interpreted that as agreement.

But none of those things are evidence that you wanted what happened.

They’re evidence of your survival.

And they’re evidence that a child, with no real power, did what they could to get through something unimaginable.

That’s what child grooming does. It manipulates a child’s natural need for safety, connection, and belonging, and uses those very needs against them. Confusion, shame, and silence begin to take root. The survivor is slowly trained to believe they chose it, which then makes it nearly impossible to talk about later.

“I went along with it… doesn’t that mean I participated?”

No. It doesn’t.

When you’re a child, especially in an ongoing situation, you learn that the abuse is inevitable. When that happens, your survival instincts kick in: What can I do to make this hurt less? What can I do to feel like I have some control?

For some, that meant not fighting it. Others tried negotiating or mentally minimizing what was happening, anything to regain a sense of control.

None of that makes you responsible.

It makes you resilient, resourcesul, and it makes you a survivor.

“But I got something out of it…”

Sometimes people believe that “getting something out of it” makes them an equal participant.

That something could be a milder form of abuse, money, the safety of their siblings, candy, or nobody learning about the “bad thing they did”.

This is related to what I shared above, it’s about the best way to survive and feel that you have some control.

Those actions, those so-called “agreements,” were shaped by fear, coercion, manipulation, and unmet needs that were exploited. Child grooming gives the illusion of choice but never real power.

And here’s what I want you to remember:

Choosing the path that hurt less is not the same as choosing to be hurt.

Releasing the Shame

If you’ve carried this in silence, please know, the shame you feel has never been yours to carry. It has only ever belonged to the person who abused you. It is not a reflection of who you are. It’s the result of manipulation, not truth.

Speaking that shame, quietly, even to just one person, is a powerful step toward releasing it.

You are not alone in these thoughts. You are not wrong or broken for having them.

But please don’t forget:

The things you did to survive are not proof that you wanted it to happen.

They are proof that you innately have the strength and ability to survive.